How things stand with my husband …

If you’re new to this blog or have no idea what’s been happening in my life the past few years, be sure to start here:  Where Things Stand Today

Okay.  Now that you’re all caught up (you did read that link, right?) … on to the current post:

As strange and sad as it may seem, moving into his own apartment has definitely been the best thing for my husband in many ways.

One of his main symptoms has been an inability to deal with distractions and things being “out of order” in his life.  Living in a house with three children, a wife, a number of pets, and just the general happenings that go on in any busy family was just too much stress for him.

The kids and I had to essentially walk on eggshells constantly to not upset him.  But because ANYTHING could upset him (even a half empty ice cube tray in the freezer), there was no way to prevent his rages.  And they were full-out rages — complete with nasty words, slammed doors, and even escalating at times to physical abuse. 

He never physically hurt the children, but I think that was mainly because I spent most of my waking hours keeping the kids safe from him … but consequently I guess I called down his wrath and rages directly on me.

Now keep in mind that this was previously one of the kindest, gentlest men I’ve ever known.  These rages and out-of-control episodes were completely out of character for the man I’d been married to for a quarter of a century (essentially for my entire adult life).

Anyway, all that just to say, now that he’s living on his own, he’s much more in control of himself.  He only has to worry about himself and there aren’t other people living with him to cause added stress to his life.

It took him a couple of months to adjust to his new living situation, but now he’s actually doing better in many ways than he was two years ago when he was still at home with us.  He doesn’t have to live day-to-day with the constant family events and happenings that would trigger his rages.

It’s amazing, but he’s still able to work full-time.  I honestly thought he wouldn’t be at his job this long, but the particular job he has is truly a godsend.  He can’t work with people because he would risk rages at them … but he works on a shift alone where he only deals with other people now and then, not constantly.  He can’t learn new tasks … but he’s been doing essentially the same job for about ten years so it’s all routine and he doesn’t have to learn anything new.

But I know that at any moment, his employment situation could change if he takes a sudden downturn.  Scary proposition, let me tell you.

He doesn’t seem to remember why we’re no longer living together.  He often forgets that he even has a problem (that’s another symptom:  lack of self-awareness).  For the most part, he seems to think our marriage ended.  Believe me, it’s so sad and so hard to be married to a man who no longer recognizes our relationship as being an on-going thing.  Sometimes he remembers we had to separate households because of his health problems.  But other times he seems to think he’s sort of like my adult child who left home … and he seems to be living life essentially as a single man.

He’s supposed to come down each weekend and spend time with the kids and I, but he frequently works on Saturdays.  If he has other plans on Sunday, he’ll cancel his time with us rather than cancel his other plans (and he’ll never specify what those other plans are … it makes him angry and we risk his rages if we ask him anything about what he does when we’re not with him).

He won’t let us come to his apartment anymore.  I don’t know if it’s just the stress of having people there that’s too much for him, or if maybe he’s hiding something.  With his symptoms and memory lapses and uncontrolled rages, it’s really hard to make heads or tails of what’s happening in his life anymore.

He no longer acknowledges our anniversary or my birthday (although he actually has remembered them the past two years).  He no longer wears his wedding ring, either.

It’s so weird.  I’m living life as a married woman, but he’s living life as a single person.  I’m not sure just how far that singleness goes, either.  More than once I’ve suspect there might be another woman. 

He seems to have lost his moral compass, as well (another symptom).  Things he used to believe strongly were right and wrong, no longer seem to have any sort of moral effect on his life or on his thinking.  I have to monitor very carefully what he talks about with the kids because sometimes he’ll start talking about totally inappropriate things with no sense that he shouldn’t be talking like that in front of his kids (or in front of anyone, for that matter, if he were still aware of his former moral code of conduct).

It truly feels like my husband has already died.

The kind, gentle, godly, Christian man I’ve loved and lived with and built a life together with is long gone now.  And some stranger has come in to take his place.  It sometimes feels like I’m living a horrifying remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”.

Before he became ill, my husband and I would talk a lot.  And I mean, we would talk a LOT!  Staying up into the wee hours of the morning talking at length about life, spirituality, family, goals, dreams, parenting, etc., was a common — almost nightly occurrence – for years and years in our marriage.

Now when I face major (and even minor) decisions in the family, and I find myself wishing that I had my husband’s input, I can actually recall our past conversations and extrapolate from there how he would probably have responded to the situations now.  I find that this is a helpful and practical way to honor and respect him for the man he was before this horrible disease took him from us.

I think God knew I was going to need my husband’s input on so many areas of life for the future, so He made sure we had lots of conversations covering most life issues in our earlier married life so that I’d have the information to fall back on now.

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Next up:   A “New Normal”?