Re-evaluating lots of things …

I never set out to make a living from writing books or doing online activities.  Which probably explains why I don’t make very much money from any of it.  :-)

But interestingly, I’ve found myself thinking back a bit to the early days of when I first started writing and sharing about the things and happenings in my life.   It was more like an overflow of things I was learning and discovering in my own life that just seemed to need to be shared with anyone who’d listen.  Even if it was only a person or two.

I’ve been watching some of the ambitious moms online now with their multiple streams of income and continual marketing of themselves and their wares … and I find myself sometimes wondering, “At what cost?”

I’ve had those times when marketing and publicity were the focus.  And those times were draining.  And now looking back, not very fulfilling, either.

As I’ve been thinking through the Simple Christmas personal reflection exercises on my Simple Mom blog, I’ve found myself contemplating more than just the holidays.  Maybe it’s been more of a re-evaluation of my life, itself.

This week, I’ve been remembering an evening a long, long time ago … sitting alone in my little house with a husband working Swing Shift and my kiddos tucked in bed.  Thinking about how my life seemed so small and cut-off from the outside world.  And so incredibly difficult, financially.  I remember crying quietly toward heaven and asking, “Why are things so very, very hard?  Will we ever get ahead?”

I didn’t get an answer.  At least there were no lights in the sky or any loud booming voices from the clouds.

But there was a still, quiet inner sense of peace that came over me.  Like I was getting a gentle cosmic hug.

And in my heart of hearts, I felt that I heard a whisper of, “You need to know what it’s like to struggle so they will know you understand firsthand what their lives are like.”  Then quiet in my heart again.

Huh?

I remember sitting up and thinking, “Just who on earth are these ‘they’ people?  Here I’m stuck at home with runny nosed babies, no car, no money … and I barely have access to the outside world beyond the neighborhood where I live.  The world at large isn’t exactly beating a path to my door.”

Peace again.  A whisper.

“They will.”

And then it was over.  I remember almost shaking myself out of a fog of disbelief and thinking somewhat sarcastically, “Well, that was interesting.”

We didn’t even have a computer yet, much less the internet.  And actually, the internet didn’t even exist at this time, so it wasn’t even something I could’ve imagined back then.

But strangely, those words would come back to me often over the years.

When our family faced bankruptcy … “They will know you understand firsthand.”

As we faced illnesses and surgeries with the kiddos … “They will know you understand firsthand.”

In the struggles and the joys of married life … “They will know you understand firsthand.”

While we pinched pennies to try to make it another week without food in the pantry or money in the bank … ”They will know you understand firsthand.”

After my husband’s diagnosis … ”They will know you understand firsthand.”

During the past few years of single parenting … ”They will know you understand firsthand.”

The return to college as a displaced homemaker … ”They will know you understand firsthand.”

During unemployment … ”They will know you understand firsthand.”

And in grief … ”They will know you understand firsthand.”

I’ve never shared that story about the moment in my livingroom with the, ”They will know you understand firsthand,” sense of peace or the subsequent echoes I’ve heard of it ever since throughout my life.  I hope you all don’t think I’m incredibly weird now.  :-)

I really don’t want to spend my time in this life “hawking my wares” online.

But I do want to share those things I understand firsthand … without worrying about whether someone pays me for it or not.  Somewhere there’s a balance in all this, or a way to find focus in the whirlwind of life.  I usually think of New Year’s as the time of refocusing but I feel like I’m going to be doing a lot of that sort of thing throughout the holidays this year.

I don’t even know if this makes any sort of sense to anyone but me.  Bear with me as I continue on this journey.  After all, this blog is called Life: The Journey.  And that it is.   That it is.  :-)