I’ve been living a roller coaster of emotions since the first of the year. Maybe more of a whirlwind because a roller coaster denotes ups and downs … and there really haven’t been any ups. Just times that are less down than others.
I’m plugging away at some last assignments for one of my classes that need to be turned in next week, and I still need to study for Finals in all three of my classes. At least I’ve been able to complete several major projects/papers and get things turned in on time. Sadly, though, I’m not expecting to see the greatest grades out of this quarter, but at least I know I’ll pass everything.
It’s difficult to work on school in the midst of heartbreak. I miss my son so very much. But sadly I’ve discovered over the past couple of weeks that he wasn’t the young man I’d thought he was. He was pretty much living a double life. He’d very successfully pulled it over on me and his sisters (and everyone else we know, too). But little by little things have come out and it appears he’d been hiding things (bad things, illegal things even) from us for years. Yes, for years. No wonder he started having emotional problems. It has to take a toll out of someone to hide themselves continually from the people you live with and are closest to. At least we thought we were close to him … evidently he was miles away even though living in the same house with us.
The sweet little boy I once held in my arms is gone now … and an angry young man I’ve never known has taken his place. And refusing to have contact with me or his sisters. My heart is broken beyond anything I thought possible. For a brief moment back in January I thought I was gaining a new daughter (my son’s girlfriend) but that all fell apart for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom … and now it appears I’ve lost my only son. Short of a miracle, I can’t see this resolving itself in any good way.
Sometimes I just try to swallow all the pain and heartache, and just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other to meet my responsibilities and keep up with life. But all I really want to do is to curl up in a ball and cry for about a year.
Please keep me and my family in your prayers.