I’ve been living a roller coaster of emotions since the first of the year. Maybe more of a whirlwind because a roller coaster denotes ups and downs … and there really haven’t been any ups. Just times that are less down than others.
I’m plugging away at some last assignments for one of my classes that need to be turned in next week, and I still need to study for Finals in all three of my classes. At least I’ve been able to complete several major projects/papers and get things turned in on time. Sadly, though, I’m not expecting to see the greatest grades out of this quarter, but at least I know I’ll pass everything.
It’s difficult to work on school in the midst of heartbreak. I miss my son so very much. But sadly I’ve discovered over the past couple of weeks that he wasn’t the young man I’d thought he was. He was pretty much living a double life. He’d very successfully pulled it over on me and his sisters (and everyone else we know, too). But little by little things have come out and it appears he’d been hiding things (bad things, illegal things even) from us for years. Yes, for years. No wonder he started having emotional problems. It has to take a toll out of someone to hide themselves continually from the people you live with and are closest to. At least we thought we were close to him … evidently he was miles away even though living in the same house with us.
The sweet little boy I once held in my arms is gone now … and an angry young man I’ve never known has taken his place. And refusing to have contact with me or his sisters. My heart is broken beyond anything I thought possible. For a brief moment back in January I thought I was gaining a new daughter (my son’s girlfriend) but that all fell apart for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom … and now it appears I’ve lost my only son. Short of a miracle, I can’t see this resolving itself in any good way.
Sometimes I just try to swallow all the pain and heartache, and just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other to meet my responsibilities and keep up with life. But all I really want to do is to curl up in a ball and cry for about a year.
Please keep me and my family in your prayers.
I am so sorry. I wish I had words to say that would somehow help. I keep all of you I my prayers. We both know that prayer is helpful and I know that I personally have seen miracles happen.
I just want to say I have been where you are for about 10 years now. The thing I would suggest to you the most,(and the hardest) is to put him in God’s hands, no I really mean put him in God’s hands! I compromised in so many ways thinking it would win them yes i said them all 3 of my adult children have gravely turned from what they were taught! My son gave the most freedom when he told me so many years ago that the morals and values that I taught him were there but he to this day chooses not to use them. Prayer is the best thing. Pray that you don’t compromise who you are for who he chooses to be as a young adult. I look back at when my kids were young, and at them now. I gave birth to them, but their choice to use meth once has gotten them down the road to destruction. They have pretty much lost everything. Their own families. Their children, and their potential in life just keeps slipping away.
I have not only lost my children, but my grandchildren also. I just say in my own compromising for so many years, I have no more to show for it that lost health, and an empty bank account. It took me to many years of guilt to realize that imperfect I was as a mother, they CHOSE their own path. I carried their own guilt and shame for their choices way to long. I understand you probably sit back and say I never in a million years thought my life would turn out like this. Yep! I know that one! Focus on yourself and your other kids now, and not on the one who chose to go wayward, You will suffer much less in the long run. Just keep looking us! It doesn’t go away completely, but it does get better, when we learn to place our kids choices back where they belong! ON THEM!
I will pray for you and your family!
Debi- I’m sure you feel “prayed out” but don’t give up hope. My good friend from church went through a very similar experience with her son. After years of continual pleading with God on her son’s behalf he has finally turned his life around. He now has a devoted wife and a beautiful set of twin boys. He had to get terribly low before he could see there was a different way and it was up to him to choose it. We will continue to pray for your family- and don’t give up hope!! May God comfort and surround you all!
For with God nothing shall be impossible. – Luke 1:37 When we have nothing else to hold onto, we can only hold onto God’s promises. Praying for the “impossible” for your son.
Debi, I don’t know the details of your son’s story, but you didn’t know that my youngest son is currently in prison and that may be the best thing that has happened for him since he was about 13 and started going through depressive episodes. We fought the school for accomodation and lost. We fought the doctor for appropriate diagnosis and treatment and lost. We fought among ourselves and we fought the legal system and even the emergency room at the hospital and we never ever got any help or support. We lost.
We lost our son for a while, but since he has been in prison he realizes that the only people he can depend on are his family, He’s in an Impact Incarceration program that they call bootcamp. It’s supposed to teach him some of the stuff we tried to teach him, but in a much more forcefull way. He’s reading the Bible and praying.
Sure, he could go back to his friends when he gets out, but we’re hopeful. Don’t give up. You son may be going through some rough times, but God always has plans and He never tells us about them in advance.
Bonnie Rice
((HUGS))
Praying for you and your family. There are times we just need God to carry us close to his heart where we can hide our faces because our circumstances are more than we can bear, just like I am sure you have done when your children were small and inconsolable. Thankfully we don’t know what tomorrow holds for us or for your son but God does and each day you can know that He is answering your prayers. Every now and then God gives me a little glimmer of hope in my own situation and I cling to it but the waiting is so hard. Keeping you in my prayers.
Praying for you and your family, especially your son. You have not had it easy with what happened to your husband. It is easy to see how your ex-husband’s abandonment of morality due to his brain injury had ripple effects to your son. I came across this article last week and I really love this point:
Fields wisely advises us to quit asking ourselves, “‘Am I parenting successfully?’ And … quit asking, “Are others parenting successfully?” Instead, we need to ask, ‘Am I parenting faithfully?’”
You know you have parented faithfully under extremely stressful situations. Your son is his own person and he has rejected what you taught him for now, maybe for good. He hasn’t rejected you, he has rejected Christ, which means your son will make choices we cannot fathom. Praying that in the depths of his despair your son will hear the call and answer it.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2012/june/prodigal-children-if-it-can-happen-to-john-piper-it-can.html?paging=off
kids are something, aren’t they, mydaughter and son in law threw me outof the housecause theyare divorcing, I justturned 69 years old,now i have to find somewhere to liveto fit my low-income…shame i cantmake a blog andask for a little help, but i dont have the slightest idea howto dothat…well thanks forletting me vent on you
Oh, my gosh…this makes me cry with you as I read. (((HUGS))). I will definitely be praying.
Praying for you and your family right now!
I have also had challenges with my two youngest sons (out of 3). They are both living on their own and working. Both are making bad choices but I finally realized that I have no control over them anymore. The best I can do it keep the lines of communication open. But for a year, my middle son would not take my calls. Holidays went by and it broke my heart. They finally talk to me now but are still making bad choices. It’s very hard to remember the sweet little boys I once had and then see them now. It’s like a death and I was unprepared for it. My advice is to take care of yourself as best as you can. Try to have a supportive group of friends, or find some. I found a church support group and it has helped.
Thought of you on Mother’s Day, with hope and love.