Short update on where things stand now with hubby

A friend from a long time ago contacted me yesterday and asked about where things stand now with my husband and whether or not he’s even still alive.  I thought I’d cut-and-paste my answer to her question for those of you who may be wondering the same things:

He’s still alive, but so completely removed from our family that he hasn’t seen us or been in contact with the kids or me for nearly a year and an half. As far as we can tell, he doesn’t really remember any of our relationships … and if he does remember, he doesn’t care anymore. He’s living with a woman in Seattle and has completely moved on to a different life that has essentially no connection with the husband and father he used to be.  This illness of his [FTD or Frontotemporal Deterioration] is so cruel. It’s taken him away from us as surely as if he’d died … but he’s still out there although no longer in our lives. It’s such a long convoluted story. It’s like this never-ending agonizing grief that never gets resolved and we’re never really able to move on. Anyway, thanks for asking. It does seem so much more like he’s truly gone now. We don’t even know for sure where he’s living and he doesn’t want us contacting him anymore. Crazy crazy life.

I don’t really talk about him anymore because there’s nothing new to report and he’s completely gone from our lives.  I also don’t want to speak negatively about him because he really can’t help the changes that have happened to his thinking and his moral code.  Those things are all just part of the cluster of symptoms he’s developed as his frontal lobe continues to deteriorate.

I was speaking with another friend from long ago recently who told me that when she worked with patients with frontal lobe brain-related problems, they would often end up in jail because of the lack of impulse control they suffer from.

We all need to be thankful for fully functioning frontal lobes — it’s really what keeps us humans from just running amok.

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11 thoughts on “Short update on where things stand now with hubby

  1. This may sound crazy but after reading your story and how you continue to move on I find it refreshing. The fact that you have somewhat accepted it and are making the best of it is inspiring. I know it is difficult but you are trying to move on. What more can you do than press on?

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  2. Debi, I am glad that I found your blog. We all wondered how things turned out, but I didn’t want to ask only because I didn’t want to cause you pain. Definitely not because we didn’t care. We have great memories living next to you guys. Our lives really turned upside down with my brothers death. I worry about my mom so much as its just too much pain to ear sometimes. I read your blog and cried. Both for you and with you. I had to watch Matt’s death affect my kids and it has been completely awful. Anyway, I want you to know that I care for each and every one of you guys. I enjoy seeing the kids posts on Facebook and I really wish happiness for you all. I just want you to know how much my family can relate to the things you guys have gone through. Matt got sick too, sometimes I find it so odd that it happened to both families who lived by each other. We sit and ponder why he got sick and we will never know, as I am sure you guys do too. Anyway, take care and know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Erika

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  3. So glad for the update, Debi. I admire your strength and courage in the face of this unbelievably tough adversity. My heart goes out to you and your kids. Your faith has sustained you throughout even though at times there were some very unkind people trying to take that from you as well. You have persevered. May you be richly blessed.
    Hugs,
    jenny

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  4. I happen to be one of those people who subscribe to things and then cannot allow myself to delete, discard, recycle or otherwise eliminate the item until I have at least skimmed through it. Last week, I happened to open your newest newsletter on time and there was your request for mail for your daughter, about to graduate, but facing Father’s Day in a sad and melancholy way. I replied to her a couple of times and I also wondered exactly what had happened, knowing somewhere in my archives, you must have addressed this issue. So, today, the first day I am off from work for the summer, I went back to my email and decided it was time to purge at least a few of the over 3000 entries that are waiting for me. Is this a coincidence that your first unread newsletter contained the message about your husband’s illness? Have you read the book Godwinks? I was assuming, he has passed away at this point, judging from Kelsey’s notes…..but then again, I now have doubts because he may have just been absent so long, that all communication has been lost and his illness has taken over….rendering the situation virtually hopeless.
    I looked back over the dates and see that your post was from yesterday, so figuratively, your husband has passed on from your lives, in a very painful and unusual way.
    There are such tragic situations in people’s lives. I love that quote that says, in effect, treat everyone better than you think they deserve, as we are all suffering from something.
    I wish you and your family all the strength there is in family love…which will bring you all to a place of peace. MGC

    Last week, I happened to open your

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  5. Thanks for the update on your life, I was hoping things had gotten a little better with him and you and your family. I’m sorry to hear they haven’t but I am glad you are still moving on. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. I too have followed your blog for quite some time. I am always inspired by not only the fact that you keep on going but the tough reality you share with all of us. Still praying for God to comfort and uphold all of you!!

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  7. Wow! I just read through your blog and cried. I am so happy you have Jesus and His strength to see you through. I loved reading how He provides for you and how close your family has become. God is so good. i have had many health problems for many years but God always takes care of me. We can always trust Him. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  8. Debi, I found you through some of your facebook pages. I admire your courage and perseverance and faith. It looks like you are an encouragement and support to many people that you may never know. Your work, your struggle is not in vain. I especially appreciated the thankfulness you had about all the good conversations with your husband–I guess that was a few years back–but this is all new to me. Thank you for sharing, and you will be in my mind from now on.

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