I’m still not certain what I want to do with this blog. Other times when I’ve blogged, I had very specific ideas about what I wanted it to be, what I wanted to share. Basically I knew the mission for the blog. This time it’s very different. I feel sort of like I’m wandering aimlessly. But don’t they say that all who wander are not lost? I think the wanderers are probably just trying to find coffee. But I digress. 🙂
Today I was walking the trail around the ball fields at the YMCA where I workout several times a week. If it’s not raining, after my workout I cool down by walking the trail. It’s not a very interesting walk, but it has become almost a time of meditation. Walking. Walking. Walking. Breathing. Watching the clouds. Feeling the sun on my face (rarely during winter days in the Seattle area, but much appreciated when it happens). My walk has become my thinking space and a time to practice mindfully taking one moment, one step, at a time. (The photo is the view of Mount Rainier from my walk.)
All that to say, I think I want this blog to be a thinking space and a time for me to take one moment at a time. I’m torn about this idea of having this blog being something I do mainly for my own benefit. I’m so used to writing and speaking and teaching in order to meet the needs of others. To help them simplify their lives. To encourage them to find joy and meaning in their roles as parents, spouses, home educators, co-workers, bosses. I had a purpose. My books and blogs and articles had a purpose. Writing for my own purposes sounds self-centered after so many years spent writing for the sake of others.
What if nobody wants to read my musings here? Will I be okay with only a small audience following along and reading now and then? I don’t know. But I think by asking these questions and acknowledging my uncertainties and reservations about this undertaking, I may have taken the biggest step toward actually following through and doing it. I want to let go of my expectations and my critical inner voice. I want to trust in the process and not worry about the finished product. I want to practice healthy choices and self-care. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even environmentally. I want to be brave enough to not worry what people will think. To not be frozen into inaction by fears of what others may do or say. To be brave enough to share me. The new me. The me who’s in progress. The me who’s uncertain, afraid, insecure, questioning, exploring, dreaming, living.
I had planned to sit down and write about how I started working out regularly, but side-tracked myself with musings about this blog and its future direction. Tomorrow I may write about the gym. I’ve been told it’s an inspiring story. It doesn’t feel inspiring to me, but I am proud of myself for sticking with it. And losing 25 pounds in two months, too! 🙂
Stay tuned ….