Still thinking about this blog

I’m still not certain what I want to do with this blog. Other times when I’ve blogged, I had very specific ideas about what I wanted it to be, what I wanted to share. Basically I knew the mission for the blog. This time it’s very different. I feel sort of like I’m wandering aimlessly. But don’t they say that all who wander are not lost? I think the wanderers are probably just trying to find coffee. But I digress. ūüôā

Today I was walking the trail around the ball fields at the YMCA where I workout several times a week. If it’s not raining, after my workout I cool down by walking the trail. It’s not a very interesting walk, but it has become almost a time of meditation. Walking. Walking. Walking. Breathing. Watching the clouds. Feeling the sun on my face (rarely during winter days in the Seattle area, but much appreciated when it happens). My walk has become my thinking space and a time to practice mindfully taking one moment, one step, at a time.¬† (The photo is the view of Mount Rainier from my walk.)

All that to say, I think I want this blog to be a thinking space and a time for me to take one moment at a time. I’m torn about this idea of having this blog being something I do mainly for my own benefit. I’m so used to writing and speaking and teaching in order to meet the needs of others. To help them simplify their lives. To encourage them to find joy and meaning in their roles as parents, spouses, home educators, co-workers, bosses. I had a purpose. My books and blogs and articles had a purpose. Writing for my own purposes sounds self-centered after so many years spent writing for the sake of others.

What if nobody wants to read my musings here? Will I be okay with only a small audience following along and reading now and then? I don’t know. But I think by asking these questions and acknowledging my uncertainties and reservations about this undertaking, I may have taken the biggest step toward actually following through and doing it. I want to let go of my expectations and my critical inner voice. I want to trust in the process and not worry about the finished product. I want to practice healthy choices and self-care. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even environmentally. I want to be brave enough to not worry what people will think. To not be frozen into inaction by fears of what others may do or say. To be brave enough to share me. The new me. The me who’s in progress. The me who’s uncertain, afraid, insecure, questioning, exploring, dreaming, living.

I had planned to sit down and write about how I started working out regularly, but side-tracked myself with musings about this blog and its future direction. Tomorrow I may write about the gym. I’ve been told it’s an inspiring story. It doesn’t feel inspiring to me, but I am proud of myself for sticking with it. And losing 25 pounds in two months, too! ūüôā

Stay tuned ….



Punk Rock and Coffee

On New Year’s Eve, an ad for this t-shirt came across my Facebook feed.¬† I realized I want this to be my motto for the new year.¬†¬†It’s time to get my life into a different gear, and this one feels just right.

Coffee?  Check.  Punk rock?  Check.  Handle it?  Heck, yeah!

Taking down Christmas

Note:¬† I won’t go into details about what happened¬†two years ago that changed my life so radically, so please don’t ask. Thanks.

Today I took down the outside holiday decorations.¬† Wanted to take advantage of sunshine and no rain.¬† Tomorrow I’ll deal with the inside things like the tree and my Dickens Christmas Village.¬† Usually taking down Christmas isn’t quite as much fun as putting it up.¬† But I realized this year was different for me.

Two years ago I had the worst holiday season ever and only had decorations up because things had gone bad after I’d already decorated.¬† Otherwise, there would’ve been nothing up at all.

Last year, I chose to buy new ornaments for the tree so the decorations didn’t remind me of happier times and things I’ve lost, thus sending me into a major bout of crying.¬† The year before,¬†December¬†had been one long month of non-stop crying.¬† No desire to go there again.¬† I didn’t put up any decorations last year other than the tree.¬† Nothing outside.¬† No village on my bookshelf.¬†¬† The tree with the new ornaments wound up being just right.¬† Festive, quiet, and¬†not overly triggering.

Along came this year.¬† I didn’t feel Christmas-y at¬†all.¬† When I saw ads for the holidays on TV, I felt like I was seeing something for other people, but not for me.¬† It was like Christmas had ceased to be something I celebrated.¬† About midway through December, I saw a cute little tree at the grocery store that needed a bit of love.¬† A Charlie Brown tree.¬† So I brought it home, decorated it with the previous year’s new ornaments, and felt happy to see the tree looking bright and festive and not in the least pitiful.¬† So there.¬† I had a decoration. A¬†tree.¬† My tree.

Then I found myself thinking about the cute lighted deer family in my storage shed and remembered there were a number of new families in the neighborhood with small children.  Small children love holiday lights, so I decided to put up the deer.  The next night I decorated the bushes out front.  The next night I added lighted plastic trees.  Suddenly my outdoor decorations were the brightest on the street and it made me happy to be bringing a bit of holiday cheer to my neighbors.

So now I had a tree and outside lights and decorations.  I kept looking at my bookshelf that looked so empty without the Christmas Village.  I brought the village out of storage and realized if I set things up differently than I had in the past, it may not be triggering.   I left out some parts of the usual decorations that I knew would have connotations with people no longer in my life, and added a few new things.  And suddenly I was happy with my village.

Basically, I’ve learned this year, that now as a single older adult living alone, I can make my holidays about me and whatever I want them to be.¬† I can avoid things if they bring me grief.¬† I can embrace things that perhaps in the past I avoided for the benefit of others.¬†Surprisingly, I found a sense of freedom this holiday season.

So taking down the outside decorations today was liberating.  Rather than feeling sad the holidays were over, I felt victory as I looked at each item and thought about the moments of joy each had given me during another sad and difficult holiday.

Remembering where I was two years ago and comparing it to where I am now, I realized how much progress I’ve made.

I remember thinking on the Winter Solstice, “We’re half way out of the dark.”¬†It felt like a¬†message of hope in a dark and¬†difficult time. ¬†Taking down Christmas today made me feel that way again.¬† That I’m on the upward path out of despair and darkness.

Hope.  Encouragement.  Light.  I wish you (and myself) these things in the New Year as we journey our way out of the dark.

Christmas for the cats

I’m thinking seriously about buying a remote control BB-8 droid because I think my cats would love it. I may have just crossed over into the Official Cat Lady Nerd Zone.¬† I received money from my dad for Christmas, and here I am trying to find ways to spend it on the CATS. I guess my dad actually gave a gift to his grand-cats.¬† ūüôā

Updated the “About” page

I just updated the “About” page for this blog. ¬†Even if you’ve been hanging around here for years, please take a moment to check it out. ¬†Things have changed a great deal from the “Life: The Journey” days and you’ll probably want to get up to speed so you don’t wonder what on earth happened to the old blog.

“Life: The Journey” served a purpose for me in an earlier stage in my life, but the journey has changed as I’ve changed over the years, and the previous story about my husband’s illness, my church activities, and my children have all moved into new stages (or moved on entirely).

Anyway, please take a moment to read the updated “About” page. ¬†Thanks!

About – Through My Window


Beginning this blog’s transition

This blog has been titled “Life: The Journey” ever since it first took shape many years ago. ¬†I’ve decided the new format that this blog will undertake is more of a glimpse into my—often boring, sometimes exciting, always puzzling—life.

So, how do you glimpse into something?  Why, through a window, of course.

My intention for this window’s future is to write short blog posts, sometimes including photos of mine. ¬†All the window photos that appear randomly in the header are mine, by the way.

So are we ready to get started? ¬†I am! ¬†Or maybe not. ¬†Well, either way we’ll see as time goes along.

If you’re out there reading, could you let me know in the comment section? ¬†Just testing the waters …



I may revive this blog

Hello Readers …

Is anyone still out there?

Now that my children are grown, it seems like my life journey has still continued to take unexpected¬†twists and turns. ¬†Some good, some not so good. ¬†But somehow it all seems like less of a “journey” and more like a¬†time of reflection, reviewing, and re-evaluating where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’m going next.

Once upon a time¬†there was¬†a thriving community on this blog. ¬†Lots of comments and discussion. ¬†I disappeared when I returned to college to get my Bachelor’s degree and then a Master in Fine Arts, and stopped posting. ¬†It felt like time to roll up the carpet and close the doors, so I removed all the posts and pretty much closed up shop.

Now, however, I wonder if there’s anyone out there who’d be interested in reading personal diary-style blog posts of my thoughts and reflections from this new stage of life?¬†I find myself composing in my mind–as I go about my day–what I’m beginning to see as¬†potential blog posts. ¬†I tried to discern if there was any common thread to these thoughts that seemed to want to be expressed, and I realized many of them were thoughts about insights and even regrets that I’ve gained over the years (especially recently). ¬†The tentative title in my mind is, “Things I’ve Learned Since I Knew It All.”

I’m not in the same place spiritually, emotionally, educationally, physically, or family-related as I was when I stopped posting here. ¬†Some changes I would’ve considered almost heretical in earlier incarnations of myself. ¬†Because of that, I’m still undecided if I want to revive this blog or not. ¬†I’m more than a little bit fragile right now (long story) and not certain I could handle the big, bad world of Internet trolls at the moment (especially trolls claiming to be “sharing truth” with a¬†wayward soul). ¬†ūüėČ

I don’t feel wayward. ¬†I feel like I’m finding¬†my way back. ¬†As Tolkien wrote,¬†“Not all those who wander are lost.” I never really understood what he meant before. ¬†I thought I understood. ¬†But now I know better. ¬†One of those things I’ve learned since I knew it all, I guess. ¬†ūüôā

So, is there anyone out there who’d be interested in a friendly look into my current stage of life¬†and present-day thoughts about life, love, faith, and other sense and nonsense? ¬†ūüėČ

To be continued … perhaps.