Back into hiding …

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So I bravely stuck the tip of my toe into the water of being gut-wrenchingly open and transparent on this blog.  And I have to say, I’m feeling way too vulnerable and afraid.

Knowing that my readers have no idea what has happened in my life over the past two+ years, leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings and judgments.  But I’m not currently — if ever — ready to reveal what’s been happening.  It’s too personal, too scary, and also involves people who I feel I don’t have the right to tell their stories publically for them.

Let’s just say I’ve lived through my worst nightmares and am still trying to find my way to a life worth living again.

As there are so few people still reading this blog (less than a handful from the blog stats), I’m just going to go back to privately journaling and regaining my sense of self and personal well-being.

I’d thought that perhaps sharing my own painful journey of healing might be beneficial to others.  And I’ve heard from several folks that it has been helpful for them.  But if sharing my successes and steps forward (and my failures and steps backward) bring me to a place of pain and fear again, then it’s probably not in my best interests at the moment to be that open.  Perhaps later?  Maybe.  Perhaps not.

I may still share things from time to time here.  Photos, poetry, funny stories.  But the vulnerable sides of me will be kept for my personal journal.

Thanks for being there and being understanding.  Sorry I’m being flaky about this blog, but part of the reason I started sharing a little bit again was to figure out if it was a good outlet for me or not.  “Not” is the answer, I guess.

Take care.

~Debi

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Anxiety attacks …

Yesterday I had a full blown anxiety/panic attack.

But I can happily say it’s been almost a year since I’d experienced one. None at all. And I’d been having them daily (or more). Life fell apart two years ago and I’ve pretty much spent the past two years trying to rebuild myself, my health, and my life.

Anyway, I was feeling good about how long I’d been panic attack free. And then, WHAM-O! Another anxiety attack hit in the same afternoon. So I planned a quiet evening at home watching something funny on TV. And lots of mindfulness.

And breathing. Breathing’s always good.

One reason I wanted to start posting on this blog again is that I’ve been learning a lot lately about caring for my health (mental, physical, emotional) and I thought perhaps some of the things I’m learning may be helpful to others.

For example, someone may not have anxiety attacks, but they might deal with social anxiety.  Or nervousness speaking in front of a classroom.  Or … ?  There are so many anxiety-riddled events in our lives.  I’m finding that things I learn for dealing with my more severe symptoms are also helpful in similar — but less severe — experiences, as well.

I may add something to the About Me page detailing a little bit about my journey the past two years so I don’t have to repeat myself.  Then I can just include a link in future posts for new readers.  Whatever I write about it, though, will probably be pretty vague.  I try to be careful about not sharing things online about other people that could cause readers to think poorly of them, and because the events deal with people who were close to me, I want to respect them and not share details about their lives that I know they wouldn’t want me to share.  There are always multiple sides to every story, and since this is my blog, I’ll share my story and avoid sharing others’.

Okay, onward and upward.  Have to go do dishes.  🙂

~Debi

PS:  I’m going to include a photo with each post, even if it doesn’t have anything to do with the post.  This is a street in Tacoma, Washington.   The Grand Cinema is a little independent theater (to the left) that I go to fairly often, and the tables on the sidewalk are for a cute little coffeeshop where I usually go either before or after seeing a film.  So I’m well acquainted with this corner.